Well its been 7 1/2 months since our 4th and final deployment and 1 1/2 months til our "Official" retirement date and the hubby has been in retirement mode since Dec 23rd when he came home. Its been difficult for me having him around 24-7, with him not working, just watching TV, playing games on his phone and moving back home from Ft Knox, KY to our home in Kempner Texas, near FT Hood. Not sure which is harder on him, the PTSD or Retiring. After his injury July 2011, I prepared me and our 14, now 15, old daughter of the possibilities that an injury and/or PTSD would come with our soldier. Its been good, I guess, considering some of the stories I've heard. 94days since Terminal Leave started...He is trying really hard, but with the Retirement getting closer and the slim job prospects, how can someone not be depressed, frustrated and anxious at the same time. Especially when we have no idea what Retirement pay will be, after all their little deductions and this economy keeps on sucking and sucking some more. Heck, in the 94 days, I have quit my GREAT job in KY, dealt with horrible packers, left very close friends who I consider family, relocated back to our house in Texas (that is another story completely), tried to deal with the condition that Renters left our Texas "Retirement" House in, started another Job search which has been unsuccessful in 3 months, grip the upcoming end of our Army career, all while being the strong one for my soldier, who has never had to do any of this in 20yrs. I should be on medication. LOL, but I'm not. And every day, I witness via Facebook, one Army marriage after another disintegrate. It truly breaks my heart. I know its tough, I've been living "THE LIFE" for the past 15yrs, I have dealt with the deployments and the moves and the late nites and 24hr shifts and the missed birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, awesome sports highlights. I've dealt alone too. I've dealt with the Angry and highly irritated soldier who when he was home, was difficult to be around, all prior to his injury last year. Irritations caused by soldiers who don't want to do their job or Officers who don't know their job, but what to tell my soldier (Senior Enlisted) how to do it. But I sucked it up and drove on. After the statistics the way they are, I don't know how we made it unscathed without needing Counseling. My soldier husband has never been abusive, so there was never a reason for me to give up on him or his career or the Army. I began to think the Army issued this Wife and I was proud of it. I suppose a little bit had to be that we were Soul Mates, not finding each other til our mid/late 20's. If we were younger or didn't care enough about being married, maybe things would be different for us. I know we love each other and that has grown with absences despite all the separations. Who knows why we have been different than so many, because this was the WORST deployment EVER!! Maybe one day we'll need counseling, and when we do, we'll go because we owe it to our commitment to each other and our marriage. I urge Soldiers and Spouses alike, especially injured soldiers, to get individual AND Marriage counseling before leaving a marriage. Doing so will help both individuals to heal AND understand what the other person is/has gone through. If an honest hardcore effort is given (it might take more than a year) then it might prevent something that both of you will regret later on. Don't let Deployments ruin your life or your marriage, there is help out there - Go Get It, especially if you love the person you married, despite how different they are when the deployment ends! You'll be happy you did, because everyone deserves to live a healthy, happy life. You have to STAY to work it out, not sneaking away to hang with friends/family. Being PRESENT is the ONLY way! Don't let your family/friends "outsiders" sway you into thinking "You don't have to put up with this" - they have no idea what its like. And yes it might look bleek or greener on the other side, put up the "GOOD" fight before throwing in the towel. I would never ever think about leaving, before all the options have been spent. My marriage means more, no matter what. And you owe it to the other person to give it a chance. In the Words of one of my BEST friends, whose soldier lost the lower part of his left leg April 2011 "Also, if your spouse is unsafe when he comes home, it is ok to work on things from a distance. Don't give up--with proper help and counseling, his behavior can be temporary. Guard your heart the most during the difficult times--don't let a single door crack open in another relationship because it can fracture an already strained marriage. Give it time, give it commitment, give it love. It's not easy, but it's worth it to TRY. Not all marriages will make it through the hard times. Just try. Not for us or anyone else--but for your heart and your family. If in the end you still have to walk away, at least you go knowing that you've done everything possible to make it work." Don't Give up, times have been better, times have been worse. Don't be afraid to talk to a specialist to help you get through it. There is no shame in it. And don't forget, I am always here for you.

~for the Love of Combat Boots and Dog Tags!!

Day 211 - Praying for God to comfort and strenghten the hearts, minds and souls of our soldiers

Well this weekend has certainly been a test of our intestinal fortitude. Our soldiers have been shaken to their very core and some are struggling to keep it together. The loss of 31 American lives yesterday in a Helo Crash is the largest single loss since this war began. And what is even worse, from what the officials say, Navy Seal Team 6, the troops who took out Osama Bin Laden where killed in that crash. These are the ELITE of the elite, and they have been taken away from us. I know this has got to play on the minds of our ground pounders. But I hope it helps them to realize that life is not something to be taken lightly or for granted. Super Heroes can still be taken from us not matter what. And that we just want them to do whatever job it is that they are doing there in the Stan, and hurry their little butts back to the safety of their loved ones. I know all of the military community is grieving with the fallen's families. That is truly the worst way to lose a loved one. Being apart for months and months, with little to no contact, and the next thing you know, you are getting a knock at the door from 2 dress uniformed individuals, giving you their regrets to inform you. Certainly not the same as an illness or sudden accident, that has taken the life of someone you see and talk to every day. Deployments drain everything you have to the lowest limit, tests every boundary and skill you ever learned and still works the strongest of families and spouses down to a raw, unprotected emotionally charged being, who hangs on with all their might and believes with all their soul that it can be done without a scratch. There are casualties of a deployment without death involved: Personalities, Sanity, Health, Friendships, Marriages, Careers and Finances all are at the mercy of a deployment. And once they get stuck in that downward spiral, sometimes it is hard to save them without help or a fight. As I was quoted in a newspaper article recently, i think many spouses I know would agree - Our soldiers fight for their lives together, while we, the spouses, fight for our marriages alone. We try to stay positive in our emails and phone calls, manage everything in our household as if we were single, all while doing whatever is necessary to keep a marriage alive and healthy alone, because we know our soldier can't take their focus off of the mission, because that could mean injury or death. Which starts another internal fight with the possibilities we have to face on a daily basis, we have our spouse in harms way. But know we can survive this year long struggle of struggles, if we stay focus and dedicated to our mission - keeping the home fires burning, then it will all be worth it in the end.
I also hope that, if you are a soldier or know a soldier who isn't feeling or acting like themselves after a combat mission or an enemy attack, that you seek help or encourage the one you know to seek help. If you find yourself/your soldier - reliving the event, avoiding situations that remind of the event, finding it difficult to express feelings or memories, feeling hyped up, difficulty sleeping, easily startled, easily angered/irritated, trouble concentrating, and lastly, fear for your safety causing you to be always on guard or hyper vigilant, speak with a Doc or Chaplain. PTSD can be a difficult fight, especially when there is that too famous stigma attached by the military. Soldiers refuse to admit there is an issue and/or are afraid what other soldiers/leaders will say or think. Is it really worth your health and sanity and the lives of others around you, to ignore it. Who cares what others think, they either have no idea what its like to have PTSD or they are also dealing with it and are afraid just like you. You deserve to feel ok in your own skin and not be afraid of what is going to happen next or suffer from nightmares or sleepless nights. Only you know what is normal for you, don't ignore it any more. I know God didn't equip us to be able to turn off our happy sane selves, and turn on our war mode to fight the evil in this world, in order to keep the 2 worlds separate. But there is help and there is no shame in seeking it. PTSD can happen to the biggest, meanest of men and turn them into the smallest of mice, trembling with fear. It is not something to take lightly and it affects so many soldiers, many who bring it home and some don't have it surface til later. But either way, it affects their families, often times destroys them and/or they drowned the PTSD monster in alcohol, drugs or some other behavior, hoping it will go away. And some kill themselves because they can't handle it any longer. Don't let it go undiagnosed or untreated, please don't be afraid. This is the only life you have and you don't get a do over. Just don't ignore the uncomfortableness any longer. Take off your Macho coat and help yourself or your battle buddy, life is too short and you deserve to leave the battlefield the way you came into it - with a healthy mind.

This site will help you: National Center For PTSD

Lastly, just say a prayer, asking for strength. For strength to make it through this difficult day, for strength to forgive those who irritate the living daylights out of you, for strength to understand those who act like idiots and for strength to accept those who feel its necessary to constantly bash people trying to do the right thing, live a good life or make changes to improve others lives. All I know is strength is how I get through my days, since my soldier isn't here for me to talk to...but soon, this deployment will be over and the next chapter of our life will begin - RETIREMENT in Texas!!!

~for the Love of Combat Boots and Dog Tags!!

Day 66 into our last deployment

Today was a beautiful day, as was yesterday. Tried to enjoy the sunshine and breeze blowing through. Not much going on, but a whole lot of reflection. Those of us here at Fort Knox paid tribute and said goodbye to SGT Gould yesterday, who had been serving in Afghanistan with many of our husbands. Memorials are a time honored tradition within the military, but is tailored to meet the families wishes and desires. And those of you who have been honored to attend one, know how difficult it is to attend if you have a loved one deployed when you attend this service. And as one of the spouses I know posted on her blog said "Until you have been here, you will never know the feeling of family that military life can bring." And that is so true. I was honored to be present and show the family that we support them during this mournful time, because the men who served with their son, could not be present to pay their respects. And one day soon, we all will go back to our lives and counting the days until our husbands return, but I know we will NEVER FORGET SGT Gould and his sacrifice for his men, his Army and his country. Although it was a sad day for many of us, we walked out of that chapel with tears streaming down on our faces. But as soon as the warm sunshine hit our cheeks, we were able to smile and inhale a wonderful spring day and know that SGT Gould was watching over us as well as our soldiers, who are carrying on with the mission while they are grieving his loss.

GOD BLESS the RAMROD Soldiers and their Spouses, may we stand tall and proud in anticipation of what the rest of the year brings.

Deployment Lerking-Christmas Coming

Wow, it has been along time since I have posted. We have moved to post and with this being the first time we have lived on post, it is nice so far. We hardly ever leave post anymore. And I still am not working since moving to KY Nov 2009, but I am busy as ever as FRG (family readiness group) leader with a deployment coming up soon and all the prep that goes along with it. I never seem to get a break, especially since I am trying to finish my certification in Microsoft Applications. It seems if I never slept, I might get more done. Hopefully this job on post will come through quickly, because our renters in Texas have recently moved out also. Man, the hits just keep on coming.

~for the Love of Combat Boots and Dog Tags!!

Taken on FRG Leader Duties

Well, 2 months ago I resigned as Co-FRG Leader because the other leader was getting all the credit and not contributing. But she called me Sunday, because she was resigning and needed to know if I'd take back over. I didn't know if any one else was interested, but the Commander felt better if I was in that spot. So its been almost a week, and things are going along smoothly. Tweeked the rosters, created the Key Caller phone Tree, attended a few meetings, been more busy with FRG stuff than my own life. I need to get some school work done, pay some bills, Wii exercise a little and get some assorted shopping done and remember to Breathe. deep breath in through the nose......deep breath out through the mouth. I hear Yoga calling.

Oh and I need to set up my Relay for Life Team Meeting, because we have about 50 days til Relay for Life. I still need to get a Spirit Stick, so we can decorate it, we need to get our Tu-Tus made and our basket stuffed for the Auction. Thank God for our contributors which happen to be Friends and Family in Montana. The Relay for Life Theme is "Walk across America" and each team selects a state to represent, and their basket and campsite is represent that state also. Our State is Montana, since my daughter's name is Montana, and our team member, Aimee Wrzensinski who is from Montana, had cervical cancer in 1998. I too had cervical cancer and we have another member, who is waiting results of a biopsy - she might become one of our "Hyster-Sisters" if its cervical cancer too. But we support any Cancer fighting event. So Please support and participate when you can....it might save your life one day.

I'm off to save the planet.....POOF!

~for the Love of Combat Boots and Dog Tags!!

My Army Heart goes out to a Marine Wife

Shame on me!!! Here I sit complaining about what my hubby does and doesn't do when he is home. But tomorrow there is a young Marine wife of less than a year and new mother who will be receiving her husband's casket tomorrow. On Sunday, 14 March, 26 yr old Cpl Jonathan Daniel Porto was killed while on duty in Afghanistan. This is a pain no one should feel, especially those who sacrifice their marriage and love, so that other's can prosper and gain independence. This wife has lost the love of her life and this little girl who is just beginning her life, will never know her daddy. Please hold Mrs P and Baby P in your hearts and say a prayer so that her days become easier and happy again.

4 day Training holiday

Well, my hubby has had the last 4 days off, thanks to a Brigade training holiday. What is funny, after all this time in the Army, I've never had another spouse ask me "what is a training holiday?" Only thing I can say is its the Army's way of giving additional days of free leave, because their troops in the field have trained so hard. Sometimes we get 3 days, sometimes we get 4 days, sometimes it includes Thursday, sometimes Monday. It all depended on if there was a Holiday like Presidents Day or Easter. But there was nothing on the calendar this week, so I presume it was just becuase the field time days were so long and so many. But what flabergasts me is that this still isn't enough for some wives. They forget that their soldier is going to NTC and will be gone for 30-45 days straight, with little to no contact. And he'll be getting deployed soon also, and there is a whole 'nother set of issues to go along with that. But I'll save those for another day.

While my hubby was home, I've not gotten my Wii workouts in, we've eaten so so bad, watched alot of softball, since my daughter plays and I can't get a lick of homework done while anyone else is home. Just call me strange. Oh and did I mention, we laid around the house, like I don't do enough of that on a daily basis. And I have suffered every day with severe headaches, which is not normal for me. So yay! But you know what is the craziest of it all, I still have dishes to do, laundry to do and food to make, because no one wants to fix food for themselves. They ask me what I want, and I say nothing. But they still somehow mind control me into making them sandwiches. Then when I make something different, they ask "mmm, what's that?" I say MINE! Hubby is home and I'm still doing it all. I think my biggest peeve is.....trash. I empty it cuz its full and I come back in and put in a new bag. Anyone else empties it, guess what NO BAG!

Well this 4 day is almost over, and I can start another week again. Right now, I'm laying on the bed, with a headache and nothing good on the limited cable upstairs, while hubby lays on the couch, watching NASCAR which he inevitably falls asleep during. UGH!!

~for the Love of Combat Boots and Dog Tags!!

18yrs in the Army

Congrats to my hubby for 18 yrs in the Army and getting further in rank than he ever expected. But I believe a strong man grows because of the love, support and strong woman behind him. Boot Camp started him off in Oklahoma, and we have been to Texas, Georgia, South Carolina and now, Kentucky. We will end it here, providing the Army lets up end it at 20 yrs. He has been to NTC 9 times, getting ready to go a 10th time. He didn't go last time, because I had just been diagnosed with cervical cancer and surgery was scheduled during 2008 NTC. He has been deployed 2 times and getting prepped for a 3rd trip. He has been to Korea and yes, all it is a Drunk Fest. We were in Germany from 2001-2004, which was out favorite tour yet. We wish we could have stayed. That would have been fabulous. We have moved 5 times in the last 10 yrs, and without that change, I would have gone crazy with boredom. I know my husband has had some stressful units and been told he is a mean guy, but he has kept moving up in rank. So hopefully for him,well us.... he will make E8 before we retire. And I say we because WE are in the Army together, considering what wives have to go through, we go through it as one. Although we are better together, separation does make the heart grow fonder, even after all this time. Its almost like we were enlisted together. So baby, Congrats for being all you can be. 2 yrs and counting!!

When will Christians STOP Protesting at Soldier's Funeral, When?

http://woundedwarriors.tumblr.com/post/442718243/supreme-court-to-hear-soldier-funeral-protest-case

I know every American has a right to protest as they please, but come on! Leave grieving families alone!! I think it is despicable for anyone to protest at a funeral of a soldier and wave their signs with hurtful messages. But members of their own church??? It breaks my heart, because they are damning themselves. God would not want this behavior from his followers. How can they think this is OK? Why don't they protest the White House or Capitol Hill? Being a Christian, I am not against homosexuals, I have many that are my friends. And I do not believe that God is punishing anyone for tolerating Homosexuality. Why during War time do the soldiers or their families have to tolerate this intolerable behavior? Vietnam Vets had to deal with it, now OIF/OEF soldiers had to deal with. Its not fair nor is it right! Protest in front of the ones calling for this war, not the innocent volunteers who protect us from the War coming to our door step. How would these churches feel if we started protesting on their doorsteps? You know what, it isn't right. There are somethings that are not morally appropriate. And God should send them a sign for being hurtful to humankind. I don't see those people protesting the ones who killed that soldier, because they are so innately against homosexuality. I knew some Baptists that did things together with each others spouses, that should be protested and punishable by law. But no one protests churches too often.

Makes me want to encourage anyone who wants to join the military, not to ......let the non-supporters defend themselves, we're tired of doing it any longer. See who makes it to heaven then.